The Midnight News
Wow, what happened to you. I guess insidepulse got rid of your ass. Meh, too bad. If I cared, I would tell everyone where we can read your columns. But, I really don't. Except for two guys who were on scooter's thread. Well, at least you have two guys reading your junk. Enjoy being on a lonely website where NOBODY visits while everyone else is checking out 411 or insidepulse or scaia'a site. Well, that's life. It's too bad I can't read your articles knocking TNA. Well, when you are stuck in a minor league website with like the one you are on, it's tough to get attention. I love this...you are writing your nonsensical crap, Hyatte and NOBODY is reading it. BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!
Larry Tenelanda
This would have had more potency if the sites he named were really being "checked out" by "everyone else"...
Well... okay, 411 is still doing well... and my other ex-site appears to be focusing on its non-wrestling zones.
BUT SCAIA??? Who the fuck goes to Online Onslaught anymore?
Dude, You are fucking hilarious. But I've got a bone to pick with you... I tried three of your pickup lines last night at the local pub and got three drinks thrown in my face. You, sir, are responsible for these women wasting precious alcohol! (Although I managed to salvage some of it while it was running down my chin).
Hope all is well with you. Keep it rolling!
Cheers,
Ben
Getting drinks thrown in your face is called FOREPLAY, 'migo
Hi suckjobs, I'm Chris and this is a special Wrestlemania-Edition of the Midnight News. Only two real things to cover... the show itself and the Hall of Fame awards... plus one or two other things.
Let's get to it.
I'M ON MY WAY, I'M MAKING IT....
Hang around the Internet long enough and you discover three irrefutable facts:
1) Everyone goes into Wrestlemania assuming it will suck
2) Everyone runs online after Wrestlemania claiming it was awesome
3) 9 out of every 10 websites will provide Up-To-The-Minute-LIVE-coverage of the event (ie: They type as they watch their TV)
Since you can get live, blow by blow coverage (see irrefutable fact #3) everywhere, I'll just tell you who won and make pithy comments. I was on the phone with Flea throughout most of this match and much of my time was diverted arguing with him over how he was getting drunker and drunker as the show moved on ("I ain't drunk, Hi-Rate... *hic"), but I missed NOTHING... NOTHING!!
Anyway...
One of the Destiny Children not named Beyonce sang the National Anthem
-And got paid more than most of the wrestlers.
-And didn't even say thank you or address the audience after singing. Just cut and ran. Probably was in her limo before the damn video intro finished. (The shot of her enjoying the show later was stock footage, I bet)
RAW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: THE BIG SHOW AND KANE VS CARLITO COOL AND CHRIS MASTERS
The Big Show and Kane retained after Carlito got pinned.
-Kane and the Big Show are clearly enjoying the easiness of their current storyline. No hard work, just toss a couple of peckerheads around for a few minutes and admire their checkbooks.
-I think someone told Chris Masters that hair gel was offically on the "get your ass fired" list of bad things the Wellness people are looking out for
-Big Show must be happy to not spend the "grandest stage of them all" in a damn diaper letting some Jap shove him around
-If God ever invented a woman made out of Big Macs, the Big Show would marry the bitch!
-Carlito learned how to do sit-ups! Good for him!
-They start a Carlito/Masters feud at the end. I don't see Carlito being a good face and I don't see Masters being a good anything.
SHAWN MICHAELS PROMISES TO SEND VINCE TO HELL!
-This promo should have been cut ANYTIME during the last two weeks. No, all we got was Shawn pouting silently as Vince fucked with him. Where was the "showstopper" promo? Where was the promo that would get everyone jacked and make Vince do one of those crazy gulps?? The fuck?? THAT'S when he should've talked about going all out on Vince's ass! NOT DURING THE PPV THAT WE HAD ALREADY PAID FOR!!!
-Shawn promises that this WON'T be a 5 star match! Heh... he should'a said that about Hogan last Summer... THAT would've been a hoot.
MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH: ROB VAN DAM VS SHELDON BENJAMIN VS RIC FLAIR VS LASHLEY VS MATT HARDY VS FIT FINLAY
RVD grabbed the briefcase.
-As I expected, the variety of talent put the balls in this match. A lot better than the one from last year.
-I liked it when Benjamin launched himself across the ladder and onto RVD, Hardy, and Lashley. Flair was on the other side of the ring and you KNOW he was saying, "Wooo, no way I'm catching that black kid! WOOOO"
-Then Flair took a Hardy Superplex off the Ladder and did the biggest sell-job of his life. To the point where no one thought it was a work.
-I swear I could see Finlay supress a laugh watching these idiots jump around like morons. "Begorrah, not a damn one o'dem kin fight worth a damn"
-Flair hobbled back and Chicago loved him for it. It looked like he was the winner.
-Lashley managedf to do as little as possible but JESUS CHRIST was he treated like a monster! They took care of his gimmick.
-If you ever wonder why Benjamin gets to fuck a quality of WHITE rat who would turn your narrow/fat ass down in a second... just watch how the damn kid managed to jump off the rope onto the ladder and land PERFECTLY.
-These were Professionals working a Professional Spot-fest. If they were smart, EVERYONE in the TNA X-Division NOT named "Styles" or "Daniels" watced this with a notebook in hand.
MEAN GENE OKERLUND WAS HARRASSED BY RANDY ORTON, WHO THEN WAS HARRASSED BY BATISTA
-Batista said that he'd be champion by WM 23. Orton said, "Not if I squirt some of my Dad's blood on you, you won't!" 'Tista was speechless.
HALL OF FAMERS WERE INTRODUCED
-Bret Hart didn't show up because he was "uncomfortable"... that's translated as: "Vince should've added a few more zeros to the end of the check".
-Chavo pointed to the sky... AGAIN.... now it's getting stupid.
-If Ted DiBiase's face was stretched back any tighter he'd be selling Pork Fried rice for $6 a pint and $8 a quart, with a free order of Spring Rolls on the side.
UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: CHRIS BENOIT VS JBL
JBL wins the belt.
-No one will remember this match in a month.
-They WILL, however, remember JBL's tits... which have now entered Samoa Joe territory.
-Might be time for JBL to remember that he's near 40 and can't be partying as hard as he did 5 years ago... especially when he might be asked to pee at any given moment.
-For real, the boy is losing SERIOUS muscle tone.
-I DO, however, look forward to listening to him declare himself the greatest technical wrestler alive now... that'll just piss off EVERYONE.
HARDCORE MATCH: CACTUS JACK VS EDGE
Edge won by pinfall.
-Actually, Mick Foley was the one who showed up.
-Joey Styles got to call this match (but Jim Ross was in FINE form and CLEARLY missed doing what he did)
-Edge speared Foley but then rolled around in pain. His arm came up bloody. Foley took off his plaid shirt to reveal barbed wire wrapped around his middle. Right there you knew that Mick wasn't fucking around tonight.
-Lita was flipped over the ropes and landed on her tailbone. I figured this would put her back on the injury list for a good 6 months, but she recovered.
-Foley whipped out his Sock and it was wrapped in barbed wire... FROM HIS CROTCH!! No.... ummm.... no.... no amount of money EVER is worth that... no.
-NO!
-Edge dumped Lighter Fluid on Mick's body... I'd do that and smoke crack before I'd do the barbed-wire sock stuffed against my unit deal.
-Edge hit the thumbtacks hard. Without his shirt on. In case you were wondering, the tacks are tiny needles that don't really dig deep past the skin... so while they hurt like HELL... they don't cause any nerve damage.
-Lita took a mandible claw WITH THE BARBED WIRE and her mouth was all bloody... and later it seemed her jaw was swollen. I'd still stick my BARBED WIRE FREE dick in there. She's hot, I'm desperate, and who don't like kink?
-Edge put Foley through a FLAMING table... yes, the table wads a homosexual! HAHAHAHAH HOO HOO HOO... THE WIT!!
-Both men were a bloody mess afterwards, and Edge seemed to have ruptured a vessel in his eye. But Foley redeemed himself and GOT his moment. Good stuff. I love it when the boys kill themselves like that. MORE, MORE, WE FANS THIRST FOR MORE!!!!!!!
BOOKER AND SHARMELL RAN INTO DIBIASE, EUGENE, SNITSKY, MOOLAH, MAE YOUNG, THE PIRATE BURCHILL, AND GOLDUST
-A whole bunch of freaky gimmicks suggested advice to Booker on how to deal with the Boogeyman.
-How can Ted DiBiase still be the Million Dollar Man when he was wearing a Hundred Dollar suit?
TWO GIRLS ATE A LOT OF SNICKER BARS TO GET FREE SEATS TONIGHT
-I've seen rotten bananas that weren't as brown/yellow as their teeth
BOOGEYMAN VS BOOKER T AND SHARMELL
Boogeyman pinned Booker after Sharmell's feets didn't fail her.
-The Boogeyman is having a blast here. He loves his entrance and the fans get a kick out of watching him.
-He kissed Sharmell with a mouthful of worms... many ex-girlfriends of mine would prefer that over kissing m.... BAH, BITCHES... THE LOT OF THEM!!
-Boogeyman doesn't punch people... he... weakly pushes them with his hand. Booker sold as if he was going toes up with Arturo Gotti.... God Bless 'em.
-Not much else here.
WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE MATCH: TRISH STRATUS VS MICKIE JAMES
Mickie won clean... but a weird type of clean
-Already, this is the most talked about non-Cena match on the card. Getting generally good reviews.
-Except for the finish.
-In two PPV matches between these two girls, Trish and Mickie got to tell an in-ring story. This does NOT happen with chick matches... this is why we are looking at two of the better WRESTLERS, male included, in the business. April Hunter should be studying these taped.
-The match was old school... Face takes early control, Heel takes the middle, Face tries a comeback, Heel takes the end.
-Mickie worked on Trish's leg and Trish did such a good job at selling that even mr Know-It-All Cocksucker Mike Johnson thought she might have blown out her knee for real.
-The fans tried to initiate a double turn as Trish was booed and Mickie cheered. Might be a Chicago hates Canada thing... or maybe enough people there knew that Mickie originates from Chicago (I think). There was no reason to boo Trish... as she is playing Baby, BABY face heel.
-For 6 years Trish has been taking punches in the face... and many of them have been potatoes... and she took a few potatoes tonight. TRISH, THIS WILL NOT GET YOU A POST-WRESTLING CAREER IN HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD FROWNS ON PRETTY GIRLS WITH BANGED UP FACES!!
-And... everyone knows I love the girl but... umm... Trish looks a LITTLE like she did a LOT of partying over the last few days.
-Trish couldn't hold a "Matrish" fully...which leads me to think she was getting tired.
-The questionable finish was when a Mickie attempt at a Stratusfaction Bulldog ended with both girls plopping on their asses. Mickie improved a weak "Chick Kick" and won. Either Trish lost control of the motion, Mickie didn't jump up high enough, both of the girls gassed out, or Trish sold the bad knee injury. I think it's because Mickie is sort'a a heavy gal and THESE GIRLS AREN'T ALLOWED TO EAT PROPERLY THEY ARE TOO BUSY LOOKING LIKE SUPER-MODELS!!!!
-Still... too many people are pissing about the botched finish. It didn't ruin the whole match! It was intense, well done, and just as good as any male match. And Trish lost the title... which is good as things needed freshening up there.
VINCE AND FAMILY PRAYED TO GOD
-A little ego stroking... but why not, it's their show.
-There was something really sadistic about watching Stephanie waddle her pregnant (VERY PREGNANT) fat ass to her knees.
-Good amusing segment.
CASKET MATCH: THE UNDERTAKER VS MARK HENRY
Undertaker surprised no one by winning.
-I just watched the thing 8 hours ago and I can't remember any of it other than the Taker dived over the top rope, across the casket, and into Henry. This was a paycheck match. They went 9 minutes ('Taker's entrance was only about 4 minutes shorter than the match) and it ended quickly enough.
NO HOLD'S BARRED MATCH: MR. MCMAHON VS SHAWN MICHAELS
HBK won.... no, he fuckin' PWNED
-In many ways, Vince McMahon walks and has the samer facial expressions as a loony Bob Backlund. He'll have to start using impossibly big words in his promos, then scream, "LOOK IT UP" just to complete the transformation.
-Jim Ross was in rare form. My favorite quote was, "Vince is going to hell soon, and he probably can't wait to get there so he can start running things!"
-One thing about Vince... the sumbitch REFUSES to use his hands to protect himself. He took a chairshot AND a ladder shot full in the head and kept his arms dangling!
-The Spirit Squad and Shane tried to help... the Squad ended up flattened and Shane ended up handcuffed to the ropes from the outside.
-Vince was thrown into Ross and Lawler's lap. Ross lost his microphone but you could see him yelling "KILL HIM, GET THE SONAFABITCH" to Michaels.
-The last half of the match was Shawn deliberately setting up a monster ladder and driving his elbow into Vince who was stuffed in a trash can while on a table. THEN he Superkicked him. Good anger from HBK.
-And we got a Crotch Shot... a few of them! Ross mused that the "old" Shawn was returning.
-Vince flipped Shawn the bird while being wheeled away. Which was typical egostroking on his part. I swear, Hogan looks like the most humble asshole on earth next to Vince.
-Nice tan on Vince, tho'.
WRESTLEMANIA 23 IS GOING TO DETROIT
I predict a Kid Rock appearence... and good luck hiding the black audience.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: KURT ANGLE VS REY MYSTERIO JR. VS RANDY ORTON
Rey becomes the WWE Heavyweight Champion
-P.O.D. plays Rey out to the ring. Rey took the time of the song to go through Tatanka's locker and load up on ring gear. I'm sure he found a few rolls of $100 bills that he quickly snatched too (you know those Native Americans and that casino money... whoo HOOO.... almost makes up for having their entire country shanghied out from under them by the white man 200+ years ago.)
-Randy Orton came out... and by God he is fighting TOOTH AND NAIL to keep that body nice and ripped without sticking needles in his tush.
-Kurt Angle came out... Kurt is fighting TOOTH AND NAIL to keep that body nice and ripped without sticking needles in his tush too.... but he isn't winning. Bald bastard is shrinking on a weekly basis now.
-It's a nice three way... for as long as it lasted. Each man took turns beating up each other while the third one took a breather. Angle growled and barked and screamed every 20 seconds. Ankle Locks Galore. Plenty of near pins.
-A GIANT three-way double german Suplex which sent Rey SAILING. Kurt bounced around in celebration.
-Rey pinned Orton clean in what SHOULD have been a feel good, chart busting, tear-inducing moment... but felt.... oddly dissaffecting. Probably because the match was only 9 minutes long. All three guys hit their high spots... but there wasn't much of a story being told here. Unlike the last championship three-way... HHH, Michaels, and Benoit which packed a SHITLOAD of cool sub-plots and allowed a LOT of time for them to be told. This was just rushed.
-Chavo Guerrero Jr and Vicky Guerrero came out to congratulate Rey. Chavo pointed to the sky three more times. ENOUGH!! ENOUGH!!!...
-I see a Chavo heel turn before the end of April. I also see the return of Pepe the Broomstick!!! Only the gimmick will be Pepe is possessed by the spirit of Eddie! EDDIE LIVES!!! HE'S NOW A HORSE HEAD ON A STICK, BUT DAMMIT, IT'S HIM!!! Shit writes itself.
PLAYBOY PILLOWFIGHT: CANDICE MICHELLE VS TORRIE WILSON
Torrie won.
-I'm not sure Lilian Garcia announced Torrie as the winner.
-I AM sure that the Boogeyman's worms are treated better than that damn dog that Torrie literally THROWS around now.
-I am ALSO sure that we have just about seen the last of Torrie Wilson. Just a hunch.
-Wasn't much of anything here. Not even decent boner material. Stratus looking like she came straight from an all night three-way with CM Punk and Maria to the match was hotter.
WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: JOHN CENA vs TRIPLE H
Cena shocked all by making Triple H tap
-Triple H came out dressed as Conan.
-This is easily the most embarrassing thing I have witnessed on big time wrestling TV in a loooong, looong time...
-No... I was embarrassed for MYSELF... why am I watching this nonsense? A man is running around the ring like an asshole DRESSED AS CONAN!!! WHAT?????
-Then they ran a video package whicvh tried to get Chicago to believe that Al Capone and John Dillenger were retro-members of Cena's "Chain Gang".... Chicago didn't buy it.
-A few Developmental wrestlers came out as old-style gangstas... one of them was CM Punk.
-CM PUNK!! MR TOO COOL TO BE CHEERLEADER!! MR. I AM STRAIGHT EDGE AND NOT A SELL-OUT!! MR ANTI-AUTHORITY!! MR LIVES BY HIS OWN CODE.!!! MR KING OF THE INDEPENDANTS!!! Came out dressed as a fucking Gangsta!
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE BREAKING DOWN OF CM PUNK HAS BEGUN!!! SAY GOODBYE TO THE "PUNKSTER", YOU LOSERS!! SAY HELLO TO HUNTER'S NEW BITCH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
-HA!! BEST WRESTLEMANIA EVER!!!!! THE COCKY CULT HERO SELLS RIGHT OUT!!!
-Anyway, Cena comes out like a Gangster too... so we have a Gangster vs Conan. Suddenly, Hulk-A-Mania is a reasonable, acceptable gimick.
-The crowd ripped Cena apart. And no matter WHAT anyone says... Cena showed his frustration. He was affected. It's getting to him.
-Cena officially tried to perform the "Five Knuckle Shuffle" as an exact replica of the whole "People's Elbow" sequence. And EXACT replica. What a tool.
-Hunter wasn't having it and he got up quickly to stopped Cena as he came off the ropes.
-Anyway... the match as the match and Cena jacked on the STF(u) and Hunter... much to the surprise of everyone... tapped. Cena stood victorious... and didn't seem to know how to act... so he looked like he was about to cry.
-Go to a big video played under "Big Time" and Jim Ross told us to go away.
Well... as far as Wrestlemanias go... it was pretty much Wrestlemania. The BEST? Nah. The WORST? Nah. Worth the money? Yup.
Good crowd too. Chicago kept everyone guessing. Chicago did their job. Hogan would have OWNED them.
And CM Punk showed what a punk-ass fraud he really is... and he's also loving the tanning bed, apparently. Can't wait to see what they do with him this year. Heh... HA
HAL JOTSKY AT THE HALL OF FAME
Is postponed a week. Mr. Jotsky is recovering from a nasty case of being tossed out on his ass and wasn't able to file his report... or soemthing. Basically what happened is I ran out of time to put it together. You know have something to look forward to NEXT WEEK, you lucky scrubs!
But I DO have a report on the Hall of Fame festivities...
A FLY IN THE HALL
Using MY connections, I managed to sneak a recording transmitter backstage at the Hall of Fame awards... the following is what I heard...
You're the best, Mr. McMahon!
Oh man, Moolah looks awful! Oh, wait... that's Torrie. My bad
Oh man, Torrie looks awful!
Holy cow, Mae Young is OLD... oh wait, that's Verne Gagne.
You're the greatest, Mr. McMahon.
Wow Stephanie! You look.... umm... fed.
So Trish, what's this I hear you're dating some net loser named Hyatte?
Bradshaw wants to drop an Owen mannequin down from the rafters during Bret's speech! He's a rib MASTER!
You're a wonderful human, Mr. McMahon.
Jeeze, Linda's knocking back the Old Fashions.
VERNE! You haven't aged a day! Oh... hi Greg... I thought you were... nevermind.
Hogan's fuming because Austin offered to compare bank accounts.
Oh FUCK. I'm so flabby... does ANYBODY have any HGH they can spare?
You're a genius, Mr. McMahon.
Where's Verne? He still owes my $50 from 1967. INTEREST IS A BITCH, YOU OLD FART!!
I just saw Eddie scoring blow in the South Side. I KNEW IT WAS ALL A WORK!!
Oh man, Shane just gave the Fridge $10 to shine his shoes.
What the hell is Jackson Browne doing here?
Sherry's hand smells like tuna!
Sherry's breath smells like Stratus!
Hey, Shawn wants to put bacon grease on the end of Bret's cane and watch what happens.
Hey look everyone! You can shake Bret's arm up and down and he can't stop you!
CM Punk just came out of the ladies' room with Maria, Melina, Sharmel, and Flair's fiance! I hate that fucker.
Anyone know where I can score some clean piss?
Gee, Sherry and Victoria are looking awfully cozy together.
Gee, Randy Orton and Pat Patterson are looking awfully cozy together.
Ever notice how every woman who works here for more than two years develops man hands?
If I could, I'd annoint you God, Mr. McMahon.
Man, I wish I could get high.
I think Hunter gave up sit-ups for lent.
Don't bother Kurt, he's having his motorized neck recharged.
Okerlund! One of us used to have sex with your wife and daughter at the same time while you were off doing Nitro Parties! I can't tell you who now but if you call my hotline I'll give you the WHOLE story!
Why the fuck is Cena inducting the Fridge?
I'll let you impregnate my daughter, Mr. McMahon.
Quite the show
8 SUPER WAYS TO KILL TIME ON APRIL 8
And why NOT toss in a touch of actual INDY NEWS in the middle of this Wrestlemania nonsense? Why not in-bloody-deed
On April 8th, the ECWA will hold their TENTH ANNUAL Super-Eight-Indy-Kids-Spot-Fest-Selling-Is-For-Chumps Tournament which has been dedicated to a kid named Jeff Peterson who died a few years back.
Every last scrap of Info about this show is right here.
Why do I care? I don't... I ain't going...
HOWEVER... some of you new readers may not know that I have had an actual, honest-to-goodness RELATIONSHIP with Jeff Peterson... All 90 pounds of him
Ya see... a few years ago I was doing this column at 411wrestling... trying my darndest to put the site on the map (and SUCCEEDING!) with my usual blend of brilliance, wit, and angry, pointless ball-breaking when Jeff, the All-American found it necessary to e-mail me and explain to me why I'm gay... and why I suck... and why I'm no good. I answered back and he answered back and he only got more and more angry.
Of course, I put it all in the column.
Now naturally, I don't have the letters anymore... but I DO have the quotes... here are pretty much all of the nasty, nasty little barbs young Jeff decided to throw my way... try to detect the underlying theme thoughout:
"I'm starting to think you like to call us boys, because you want to do some sexual, if that is so, your sick dude. Now, I'll invite you down here to my Uncles Center in Tampa Bay and make a man out of you. You don't use the term "boys" unless you are one of them. I can surely tell you are not one of the boys. Listen, if your ever in the Tampa Bay area, or in the North East when I'm there lets arrange a shot fight. I'll pop you like a pimple you son of a bitch. And I don't really care that your gay, I just think it is very funny."
-To which I accepted his challenge for a shot fight... and wished him well in his obvious battle with pimples. I also called him "boy" about 50 times... if memory serves.
"Damn, your gay. Listen man, you might write a better column if you take your dads dick out of your ass"
-I replied that the column would be the same whether Pop was raping me or not. I also spent a fair amount of space explaining to him the beauty of apostrophes
"So how the hell have you gotten such a large ego? When most people waste 5 minutes out of their day to read one of your columns, they get the image of a fat 25 year old gay virgin typing away at the computer. The fact is that if I got you in a street fight or in teh ring for that matter me and my guys would whop your ass."
-I explained that my ego was large because most people can't pull off being gay, a virgin, AND 25 years old in the new Millenium. Can you imagine the willpower it takes to do that? I mean, gay sex is SO EASY to get. Ask Wade Keller
"DAMN, you suck"
-At this point I reminded him that he spends his free time grappling with shirtless men. So who's gay NOW? I asked. He blew a gasket on that one.
"You should fucking stick 411 right up your ass, you bitch."
-I told him there would be no room, with daddy in there and all that. Plus I asked him to explain how I could get an Internet web site into my rectum when it really has no physical aspects. He ignored my question.
"The fact is that this 150 pound body is tougher than your ass will ever be."
-My exact quote to this was: "No it isn't."
"Your a flaming homosexual whose ass I would love to fight. You don't have your column anymore gay boy, why don't you fight back like a man this time"
-At this point, I started asking why he would want anything to do with an ass like mine, if I'm such a flaming homosexual. I also wished cancer on him. Whoops!
"Your such a homosexual. Where the hell do you live? I want to fight your ass later in the summer, I'm looking for a fight. My roaddawg Madd Matt Storm wants you to get a partner for a little tag team action"
-I lied and said that Madd Matt Storm was a friend of mine and he said he would turn on him during our fight and we would both end up doubleteaming HIM. Then I prayed to God that he got the worse kind of Cancer imaginable (double WHOOPS) and e-mailed him the prayer. He flipped out.
"Dude, talking about people being dead, I was fucking your dead mom last night. Damn, she was good."
-I agreed with him. Mom DID know how to suck a mean cock.
"Man, it must suck to be a flaming homosexual, you fucking jackass. I'll kick your ass the next time I'm in the area, then I'll rape your daddy."
I gave him my address. Never heard from him.
Turns out he died. I was considering peeing on his grave but decided not to. I figured he was just channeling his anger at dying towards me and, in the end, decided that I probably helped him LIVE a little longer because I gave him something to vent on. A applauded myself on my good deed and went about my life.
So when you go to the Super Eight Tournament and they do the whole moment of silence for the skinny All-American who seemed to have had some seriously repressed homosexual urges... take a second to thank yer ol' buddy Hi8 for keeping the kid going... keeping the kid alive with the fuel of RAGE for a few years longer! I didn't KNOW I was doing it... but I'll accept full credit!
Oh, and remember... God listens to me... so don't screw with me or you'll be sorry!
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. The net is jammed packed with it, non-stop.
But here at DOI, youngsters with a gleam in their eye and a PASSION for landing on their heads and laying pipe on every rat they can get their hands always come here for the latest news and gossip. It is these young rasslers who need to know. Triple H isn't to be hated. Triple H is to be WORSHIPPED. And here is one of the many, MANY reasons why...
Triple H Is Better Than You Because...
He tapped and told EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU to go fuck yourself in the process.
THIS HAS BEEN "TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
...Wrestlemania 22?
Good show. Did what it had to do and all the right people won. Only an asshole would take the title off Cena now. When was the last time they had a guy people paid money to boo out of the building? Who cares if he's supposed to be cheered. They are showing up just to boo the cocksucker! There's no reason to stop making a dime from that. But they'll fuck it up. They'll end up taking the belt off them. The fuckers. They will because they are afraid of making money. It's impossible for them not to make money and they could be making more of it, but they're fucking it up. I'm glad I got out of that stock. It's a dog. A dog stock. I've never seen anything like it. And I think Chicago agreed to let them run this show only under the conditions that they put all the blacks behind the camera. They put every white person in town in front and in full view of the audince. So the tourists won't be scared to come to Chicago. Ha! They'll be in for a shock.
Flea: Who recently decided that he don't need to know the time. He threw away his watch.
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
NO!!!! Fuck 'em.
Now, I'm going to wrap things up with something special...
ACROSS THE BOARDS
So, to give you a FEEL for the INSTANT reaction to the big Wrestlemania event... to let you see what THE INTERNET FANS LIKE YOURSELF are thinking as the show went on, I went ahead and spent HOURS trudging through message board after countless message board (NOT THE DOI ONE!) looking for primo quotes and knock-yer-socks-off observations.... I will not NAME the boards I went to NOR will I gibve proper credit to the quotes I have pulled.
I also pulled up a few choice quotes regarding the Hall of Fame show... just to overstuff add spice to this segment.
All of the following quotes were made within the last 24 hours...
"I would do things to Candice that I wouldn't do to a farm animal."
"We have a Tyson Tomko sighting"
"OMG CM PUNK IN AUDIENCE. LETS CUM IN OUR SHORTS."
"We're flying through the matches, but remember, UT's WM entrence takes 40 minutes."
"Oh look Flair's back out. It's a christmas miracle!!"
"Is Rey playing grown-up wearing his father's suit??"
"Blackjack Lanza should never be allowed near a live mic again."
"WTF is Jillian wearing -- she looks like 1999 Trish Stratus who looked like the Hot Coco girl -- giddyap marshmellow."
"Lita only at a 3.5 slut factor tonight. Shame, maybe she'll flash her waffle later"
"IM ABOUT TO MARK MY BALLS OFF!"
"Somebody needs to tell Mysterio that the 'Las Vegas Showgirls' look doesn't suit him!"
"Attention all marks: Your hero was on TV dressed as a gangster. That is all. It wasn't a big deal, so calm down, wipe the jizz off of your keyboards, and continue to watch the good-until-15-minutes-ago Wrestlemania."
"I'd rather be a gangster in Chicago than Conan the bloody barbarian "
"I could watch Matt Hardy get hit in the face with metal ladders all night long"
"Dibiase did the old 'kick the ball before the 100th dribble' trick with Eugene. Which was worth the price of the ppv alone.
"Now that WM is over, I wonder will WWE keep up the momentum? We say this every year after Wrestlemania."
"If Cena gets booed this bad in Chicago, what would happen to him, if he made it to One Night Stand to defend against RVD?"
"And Flair is back, one on one with Finlay. IT'S 1970 AGAIN!!!!!"
"Lashley takes a chair up the asshole!"
"Vince cuts a promo on God. I'm speechless"
"It's that the most dangerous thing Lita has had in her mouth?"
"Booker needs to go to the graveyard with jake roberts and learn the secrets of the dead or something"
"If Mickie James can catch Trish in her camel toe she'll win the match"
"Mark Henry is like 800 pounds of walking bird shit here"
"For the record, Lashley needs remedial ladder climbing lessons"
"Todd Grissom is not the least bit likable."
"Gotta love the two fat lesbians that win the 'Snickers' seats. They have already put away 11 bars."
"Mickie vs. Trish stole the show for me. MICKIEMANIA RUNNING WILD~!"
"I was waiting to see how long it took someone to point out Punk in the Cena entrance. I wonder if it was only coincidence that they gave him a nice close-up"
"I wanna fuck Lita and Lillian AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!1111 OMGPLZYESTHANKS"
"HOLY SHIT Edge just got introduced to HARDCORE"
"this divorce is killing flair -- not the time in his career to become a luchador"
"I don't care what anyone says............Mean Gene is a fucktard"
"Mickie's got some chunky thighs on her"
"I swear, I think Linda has THE HAWTS for the Nature Boy...look at her look at him."
"Slaughter's outfit is amazing. A suit with a camoflauge blazer. Is Hulkster reprising his 'dress bandanna' from last year? The dress bandanna is my favorite thing about the Hall of Fame."
"well, it's now confirmed that HHH doesn't know how to work heel, either."
"Cena's induction of Perry was awesome. But he sucks, right?"
"Fridge is now officially no longer a fridge, but a store that sells them."
"I like the blurb at the foot of the WWE box saying: 'The Fridge was turned into a G.I. JOE action figure in 1986.' What grand wizard changed him back and freed him from that plastic hell?"
"Punk in the audience? I wouldn't have expected that, seeing as he, you know, works for WWE..."
"Holy fuck, [Sherry at the HOF] is better than Courtney Love at the Pamela Anderson Comedy Centeral Roast. I hope she vomits soon."
"haha sherry threw a shoutout to nailz. I bet Vince loved that"
"Flair is disgusting looking when he sweats and laughs."
"Sherri's speech needs to be shown in every public speaking class for the rest of eternity."
"Is this a big black penis joke?"
"Please punch yourself in the balls. The world doesn't need Kevin Nash in a wrestling ring "
"Hahaahahahahah @ Booker T laughing SO HARD @ the pizza topping joke"
"No shit, Henry was just standing there being big, strong and goofy while Taker was sprinting around trying to make it watchable. Henry's fun when dominant, but against a guy like Taker...not so much."
"Bret Hart didn't feel comfortable. FUCK BRET HART! I hope he disappears into the abyss and his fucking name is never uttered again."
"Mark Henry is in the ring mouthing off and he says 'come one down'. Does he think he's on the fucking Price Is Right or something?"
"the power of suck compells you"
"I laughed my ass off at the CM Punk appearance, since I know the other internet boards will have 500 threads about it instantly after it happened. Horrible ending, but I knew it would happen."
"The only shit fest on the card was Booker/Boogeyman. Good God, that was fucking terrible. I won't count the Diva Pillow Fight because you don't expect anything from them. I can't wait until Boogeyman is off my screen."
"I desperately want to see Norse God of War Triple H vs. Aztec Sun God Rey Mysterio in an intro-off. I suspect Triple H would end, but my head would explode and it'd be awesome."
"Taker sold like mad when it counted. It's TAKER. Hating him beating guys with his zombie powers is unAmerican."
"I think Austin's body language when he came out was very telling. Hogan was trying to look him in the eye but Austin just stared at his feet until he knew he was past Hogan. Deep down he knows that Hogan is the master of this business."
"Well, Hogan gave a little 'I couldn't give a shit' smirk as Bret came by. LOL"
"SD Jones to me is most famous for being Andre the Giant's jobber tag partner in the match where he got punked out by Patera and Studd. Andre got double-teamed and got a haircut. SD was just lying outside out the ring on the floor the whole time...that was probably his best role."
"If fans want new blood in the womens division thats great. If they want to cheer Mickie over Trish, fine. But how do you tell when they just want "new blood" and when they dont respect a persons talents or contributions anymore? I would dread to think that the fans are just gonna crap on Trish from now on despite her having worked so hard these past 6 years to make something of herself. Im not saying shes Gods gift to womens wrestling, but come on, just show her some RESPECT..."
"I can't believe they let him keep the belt. Ugh."
"I've watched Cena in 3 wrestlemanias now, I haven't seen him raise his game once. I don't rate him as a wrestler"
"TNA can learn a thing or two by WWE on how to put on a spectacle. TNA can put on better wrestling matches from time to time, but WWE is bigger because they know how to pull off a real mega-event."
"A 'YOU CAN'T WRESTLE' chant just started as Cena had HHH in a rear chinlock."
"what is it with women wrestlers, why do they always have to scream at the top of their voice, it is two o'clock in the morning you know, turn the noise down ladies will you "
"Hahahahah Steph's fat!"
"HHH Entrance= Conan movie Promo = Spinal TAP"
"This was the best entrance in the history of anything ever. This is so horribly stupid I could pee myself with joy. NINETEEN HUNDRED STARS"
"foley is blown up, he's puffing bigger than a landed fish"
"Hahahahahahahahaha Matt Hardy. The favorite. They didn't even let him get to the ring before they stopped his music."
"My boy Carlito jerking curtains. That's against God's will. Like Batting David Wright eigth or something"
"OMG GOOOOCHED YESAHHHHH HHAHAHAHAH FUCK THOSE ASSHOLES. KANE AND BIG SHOW KICK ASS"
"I don't know how Lasley can actually walk considering how much bulk is in his shoulders"
"FOLEY IS GOING APESHIT AND I LOVE IT!"
"Looks like the girls gassed out at the end there. Talk about an UGLY finish"
"Hmmm, I've got a bad feeling that Vince isn't on the wellness programme"
"Steph should run out, Sweet Chin Music to the Stomach BY GAWD"
"I'm pretty sure the Big Gold Belt is larger than Rey"
"ARE THEY ASKING VERNE FOR ONE MORE MATCH?"
"It's nice that they sat Shawn next to Jimmy Hart. This provides a perfect excuse to "inadvertently" cut to Shawn several times during Bret's induction. Genius!"
"Very little suckage tonight. except for the pillow fight and the casket match every other match has been fucking great or short enough to not care about how much they suck"
"The Mickie James match was the hottest match of the night. The crowd crapped on a lot of the babyfaces, though it was well-deserved in this match. Trish seemed to come off looking very heelish through a lot of this feud."
"Cena/HHH was a whole lot of nothing. It had the same HHH false finish formula. Yawn. The finish was anti-climatic, weak and retarded. The STF was applied so poorly, HHH hulked up out of it like a babyface, then tapped out a couple of seconds later. Umm, what?"
"Greg Gagne looks like a fat Cal Ripken Jr."
"Well HHH did say Angle was a crap heel, not being able to get the boos off Cena and onto him. What do you think now Paul."
"As for Cena/HHH *sigh* I guess we get this useless son of a bitch shoved down our throats even more. I slammed the remote down when he got the three count waking my 4 month old and pissing off my wife. I told her get over it, Whigger Boy just won. She says " That guy cant wrestle" ahahah . I knew I married her for a reason."
"Woman's match was spent with us arguing about Mickie James level of hotness, nice match though."
"The only reason Rey Mysterio was in a world title match tonight - Eddie Guerrero. He wins the Royal Rumble, the first time in years the Rumble match is not the main event. Gets treated like a jobber and scrub at every curb. Doesn't even get to main event Wrestlemania. Competes in a joke of a world title match that doesn't even go over 10 minutes."
"Greg Gagne always comes off like a bad parody of Greg Brady."
"In other more interesting things on TV at the moment, the White Sox lead the Indians 2-0 in the third."
And that's that.
Always an interesting show, this Wrestlemania... always seems to bring out the mark in all of us.
Well, so much for this single-themed edition of my column. Thought you Indy kids might enjoy what the professionals are up to while you're puddling about in some church basement bashing each other with fluorescent lightbulbs and other such nonsense.
NEXT WEEK... yes, there WILL be a next week. I'm putting the week off off by a week... I think I'll load up with some Alexa news... a book review... why Wade Keller is a bonehead... and a few other stories I have flitting around... WAITING for publication! You go and enjoy your week. Go celebrate the killing of Christ by hiding colored eggs around your home and telling your kids silly stories about a giant rabbit that hops around and shits said eggs all over the place for no apparent reason.
I'm quite sure it's EXACTLY what Jesus had in mind when he decided to stay nailed to the wood.
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This is Hyatte
Glorydog@cox.net